Thursday, July 8, 2010

Thoughts on Life

Well... it is rambling post time! :)

I was typing an email to a dear friend and it hit me... that urge to share my feelings with everyone who will read it! :)

What I typed in that email that got me 'started' was... that this year has been the most liberating year of my life!

This year has, in some ways, been the worst year of my life! In other ways... it has been the most liberating and wonderful year of my life!

I have learned this year that I can choose to see the positive in a very bad circumstance!

I wanted to have more than one child!

When I found out that I couldn't have anymore children... it was devastating! Honestly... more than anything... I just wanted to stay alive to raise the one son I was blessed to have! However... there was a part of me that was grieving over not being able to give Carver a brother or sister. Grieving over not being able to give my husband another child. Grieving over not being able to carry another child in my womb and experience that wonderful ... wonderful miracle again! Just grieving over the fact that my idea of what our life would be like... was suddenly changed and not in a good way!

Now... I grieved for a little bit. I still grieve from time to time. I imagine there will be times that I grieve over it for the rest of my life!

I have chosen to be happy! God has blessed me with a beautiful son! God has helped me to focus on the positive of only having one child. Something that I was so against before. I was adamant that I didn't want to have an only child. I had two brothers and I wanted Carver to have the sibling experience!

I feel like I can finally plan the rest of our lives in a way! I felt like I was in limbo for so many years not knowing if I would be able to have another child. Not knowing when I would be able to have another child. I couldn't get rid of this or that because I may need it again one day if we had another child! There were just so many decisions that I felt I couldn't make because I was unsure about what the future held as far as more children.

I feel liberated because now... I know! I know we are a family of 3! I am happy with my family of 3! I am okay with the thought that probably one child is all that I could handle... mentally and physically. Michael goes on week long trips a lot and sometimes he works long hours. Michael works extra jobs to make money so that I can stay home. I don't know that I could handle being a mommy of 2 or 3! I think one perfect little boy is perfect for me!

My husbands job is important! The most important job in the world! It is more important for him to help grow God's kingdom than it is for us to have a house full of our own children!

I struggled for a long time with raising my hands in corporate worship! I wanted to raise my hands but I was always worried about who was watching or what someone would think. Not any more!! I now raise both my hands in worship! I feel liberated! I am free from worrying about me! I raise my hands in worship because He deserves it! I raise my hands in worship even if I am not 'feeling it" because He demands it. He deserves it! It is about Him... not about me!

I am free from putting my family first! I always struggled with putting my family (meaning all... parents, brothers, etc) above all else! I still love my family obviously! I feel liberated and free from feeling bad about not being so 'into' my family! This world is not about me. This world is not about my family! Not even my husband and son family! I am no longer controlled by the pressure of family! God has released me from those chains!

I love my son! I love my son more than life itself!

I know that his purpose on this earth is to love and worship God! As is mine... as is yours!

Carver is going to grow up soon and he is going to spend more time as an adult (I pray) than he is going to spend as a child! My job as his mother is to teach him about Jesus... teach him to love Jesus.. teach him to seek Jesus everyday! I have to help teach him to be a man of God and to put Him first... above me... above his daddy... above his spouse... and above his children!

I realize that one day Carver is going to leave my home. I realize that as he gets older.... our relationship will change. He will not need me like he needs me now.

I have a very short time frame to teach him about what is important in life.

I found myself last night trying to explain to a 3 year old how a woman chose to take her own life!

Carver overheard a conversation and that boy is just plain smart!

So many parents want to shelter their children from anything bad for as long as they can!

I don't want to scar him and I don't want to tell him things that he isn't ready to hear. I try to be careful about details.

However... I don't want to lie to him and I don't want him growing up thinking this world is about him and everything is great!

I want him to understand that this world is bad BUT... with Jesus... that is how we have joy and peace and love. That is the ONLY way! Life is hard! I don't want him to have to learn that one day after he has spent 15 years being sheltered from all the bad things!

It is hard to think about Carver growing up and leaving our home. I find myself trying to think positively (already) about that time when we will have an empty nest.

I have just found myself this past 7 or 8 months... seeing the positive in the harder things in life that we have to deal with!

I feel like I am well on the way on my journey of giving up on the idea of me and that anything is about me!

I have prayed for years to truly love God and Jesus and to put them first... above all else! I think it is sad that I have had to pray that but honestly.... I had to! I need to see things and feel things to make it real. Although I believe God and Jesus are real... being that I didn't live in Bible times and I can't physically see them... it has always been hard for me to really 'get it'! I am not sure that I even 'get it' now but I 'get it' better than I have ever gotten it! I have experienced first hand God's loving hands carrying me when I didn't have the strength to walk on my own! There are no words to describe how special that is and how appreciative I am to my Daddy who loves me more than I could ever ever ever imagine or deserve!

I am so happy!

Not all the time am I happy... I still have my moments and issues that I deal with!

But... when I take a minute to just sit still and reflect on Jesus and everything He has done for me... I am so happy! I am happier than I have ever been and I am so thankful for all of the lessons that I have learned and for all of the lessons that I have yet to learn ... but will!

Wow... I am really rambling! I am not sure that any of this makes sense! I think it is time for bed! :)

I think one of the things that sparked this rambling post is that I had a family friend (from long ago) that committed suicide this week! It was the mother of one of my childhood friends. We went to church together when I was young. I spent as much time at her house as I did mine for several years! I am not sure how she got to the point of thinking life wasn't worth living anymore!

I know that life is hard... life stinks! Life wasn't meant to be easy! I don't know how anyone who doesn't have a real relationship with Jesus can truly be happy! Jesus gives me peace and joy that I cannot explain! If you don't know what it is like to have that peace and joy in your life... I pray that you reach out to someone who can help you to get it!


Christina Smith said...

Kelley, thank you so much for sharing this! The Lord has been teaching me so much about being content and enjoying the moment I have right now instead of thinking I'll enjoy life *when* I am a mother. We've talked about this stuff before. I so appreciate your honesty! Thank you!

Lindsay said...

Your post really got me thinking about a lot of things and how I need to make things right with my Creator. Every day brings it own challenges and just when I think they might crush me, He reaches out his hand a grabs me. So, thank you for sharing that personal part of your life it helped me in many ways. :0)

Winter said...

I love your honesty and that's why I love you so much! :) To some people it might sound crazy to put Jesus before your kids, husband, family, work, etc., but that's what He asks. We cannot do anything with out Him! He is truly Everything!
As we have talked before about my experience with my Dad taking his life many years ago, it is still hard to understand why people would do that. He was a man of God, but had issues with drugs and alcohol that seperated him from Christ. We can't put things before Christ, because that is when we sin and turn from God! I will be praying for you in this time of sorrow. I still deal with it almost 30 yrs. later and I never really knew him. :(

Janelle said...

Ramble away, girl. I love listening to you "talk". :) Sounds like you've been listening as God's been talking to you, too. What a wonderful Savior He is!