Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Another Late Night Rambling Post

Wow.... where to start! I have lots of thoughts floating around in my head! That is usually not a good thing! :) Feel free to move on to another blog if you don't want to read a book!

Ever since I started blogging, blog hopping, card making, submitting to magazines for publication, etc.. I have struggled to find a good balance of time and energy! I have been doing this for over a year. Never once (before this last month) have I considered not doing any of it at all!

This past month, however, the thought has crossed my mind more than once! This is all bittersweet! I have found a hobby that I am passionate about. I enjoy submitting for publication and being 'recognized' for doing something that I love. Making a little extra cash/earning free product doesn't hurt either! I have met some wonderful friends that I hope to remain friends with for many more years!

On the other hand... I am tired all of the time! I stay up too late! I feel guilty all the time for either ignoring my 'real' world or ignoring my blog world! I get tired of hearing myself apologize all the time! And I am sure many of you do as well! That is just how I am... I would say "sorry" if I wasn't tired of hearing myself apologize! :) ha!

So... what is a girl to do? I am officially letting myself off the hook from feeling like I have to blog everyday. More than likely... I still will... most days anyway! I am letting myself off the hook from feeling like I always have to post cards! I am letting myself off the hook to feel like I have to blog hop and comment all the time! This last one is going to be the hardest!

See... I do enjoy visiting my friends and I find inspiration from somewhere every time that I do visit! But... I have been MIA for the most part from blog hopping for over a month! I have spent probably 5 or 6 hours in the past two days getting caught up with everyone! Please don't hear the wrong thing... I wanted to do it... I have been gone too long. However... the past two days... I have not made one thing, went on a little shopping spree from all the inspiration that I have seen (never a good thing), and I am up late again! :)

I have been working on changing some things in my life and I have changed several over the past little bit. This is apparently another change that I need to make!

For the past year, I have spent just about every single night in this craft room... crafting and blogging and blog hopping. I feel guilty that I don't spend any time with my husband. After Carver is in the bed, I go to my craft room and Michael goes upstairs! Michael doesn't complain at all... you see... he can't! I love my husband but he will be the first to admit... he has done the same thing to me for years. I think this past year has given him a little better understanding of the things I use to complain to/at him about. I think it is time for both of us to start better habits and spend more of the few hours we have together... together! It has been a good thing though as far as ... for lack of better terminology.... giving Michael a taste of his own medicine. He doesn't like it! :)

I feel guilty for being so tired during the day (from lack of sleep) that I don't feel like playing with Carver. I do play with him but most of the time... I don't want to! I am too tired and just don't want to. I don't think this will change completely with more and more consistent sleep but I am hoping that it will at least help. I am not really the sit and play type person but... I want to be!

Things have changed drastically for me this past year... in all areas of my life. Carver is growing up way too fast and it makes me sad. I don't want to spend the last few years of being a stay at home mom as a tired stay at home mom whose mind is elsewhere all the time!

I am working on getting my home in order as far as cleaning out and eventually cleaning it. This has been more difficult since I took Carver out of school. I am trying to do better about asking for babysitters so that I can get some things around here done. I feel bad to ask for babysitting from grandparents because they work and have things they need to do as well! But... like I said... I am working on it!

I have quit going to my parents every week for lunch! This is HUGE for me! Michael and I have been together for almost 14 years (12 married) and we have gone to my parents on Sunday .... every Sunday... all of those years! I love my family and I so appreciate my mom wanting to have us over every Sunday! However... Sunday's are long and exhausting for our household so this has been a wonderful change. I want to see my family on a regular basis... I love my family. It just doesn't have to be on Sundays! One Sunday a month with my family... one Sunday a month with Michaels family... 2 or 3 Sundays a month... just coming home or being free to go eat with church family!

I have decided to not teach 4 year olds in Sunday School next year and I am excited and relieved about that. I will be helping with the high school instead and this will be a nice ... more relaxing change!

I have just decided to let a lot of worries go... worries that other women/people don't seem to worry about (in my opinion anyway). I am trying to desperately live my life and live it the way that God would have me to first and foremost but also in a way that we want to live and make memories that we want to make. Without worrying so much what will or won't hurt others feelings. I don't want to become insensitive in any way. I just want to find a happy medium. I don't want to live my life based on what I feel others expect from me, etc. Things are different now! I am a mother and I have my son to think about and I want to make sure that I make the most of the time that I have with him.

Wow... I am really rambling! :) Appropriately titled post... for sure!

Sometimes I think I am crazy... other times... I think a lot of other women struggle with the same things.

I am just determined to 'get it together'... whatever 'it' may be... before it is too late and my son is grown and I have a lot of regrets!

I want to lose weight! I want to be able to keep my house in some sort of order... once we get it there in the first place. I want to be a good mom who is well rested and easy going and pleasant to be around. I want to be a good wife who again... is pleasant to be around. If I don't sleep... I am not always pleasant! :)

I want to scrapbook! I want to get in some sort of routine of teaching with Carver. Homeschooling is not ruled out so far with us. I have said from the get go... God will have to do a major work on me if that is what we feel He wants us to do. Maybe that is what is going on now... maybe God is preparing me to be more disciplined so that when Carver starts school... I will be ready to home school. Maybe not! Who knows!?!?

So.... after all this rambling... what is my point?

My point is... I love you all (my friends) and I so appreciate your friendships, comments, etc! At this point... I don't want to quit blogging and I am not going to. I don't want to quit blog hopping and... I am not going to. What I am going to do is quit commenting so much! I will still visit and comment from time to time. Because of who I am and how I work... this post was meant to be one last apology from me! :) I am sorry if I don't comment a lot from here on out. I will still visit you... maybe not as often as I did before this last month... but I will visit you. If you are on my blog list... I will visit you!

If you are offended in anyway at my lack of commenting (I have felt that before so I know that it does happen)... I am truly sorry! You have my permission to quit visiting me and/or to quit commenting on my posts! : ) ha... like you need my permission but.... you know what I am saying!

Who knows... I have gone through so many different phases/emotions this past year while I have been trying to figure this whole thing out... in a month or two... after the house is officially 'in order'... I may be back at it full force. I doubt it but... I am not saying that it won't happen. I am saying that this is my new strategy... we will see how it works out!

Sorry for the long rambling post. If you stuck it out and read this whole thing... bless your heart! :) And... Thanks! :)

I get tired of hearing my own ramblings and I am sorry to put you through another one!

One of the many things that I am working on is to quit feeling the need to explain myself all the time. This post doesn't prove that I have made any progress, does it? :) I have but... I take it one battle at a time! I just had to explain because I do cherish the friendships that I have made here in blogland and I want you all to understand. You may still be offended but... hopefully... you will at least understand a little better!

And... if you haven't already figured this out about me... I like to share my feelings! Always have... probably always will. Another thing I am working on! :) Sometimes it is okay to just keep it in. However... God didn't make me that way! I seriously can't help it! Wish I could!

Oh... and one more thing... if you comment on this post... no need to tell me not to worry about it, etc. You can if you want. I know most of you might care less about this 'huge' decision that I have made! :) However... it is a big deal to me and I just needed to ramble about it!

Peace and Love!

15 comments:

Kate's Corner said...

Hi Kelley! Wow, what a post and what honesty!

Everything you wrote I understand. I'm a stay-at-home mum of 3 boys (5, 3 $ 2yrs) and trying to juggle being a mum, wife, friend, crafter etc. can be so tricky. Over the past 2 years I have been involved in selling my cards at Handmade Markets and that alone with being a mum is exhausting. I'm not a frequent blogger but I LOVE blog hopping and I constantly find myself doing so when I should be with my family. Obviously you should always take time out of the craziness of life to recharge and blogging might be your way. It's just knowing how much time to spend on different things.

Thank you so much Kelley for your post. It has really made me rethink my priorities and encouraged me to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God.

Enjoy your family!

Kate's Corner

Jenny said...

Ok I wont tell you not to worry about it because you should, we all think about this from time to time. I feel the same way and do the same things at night. I put my kid to bed and run into my craft room. I have been staying up so late for awhile now that I took the day off work to sleep. How sad is that? I feel like if I dont comment then im a bad friend. All the things you listed I think about constantly. I need to give my daughter and my DH more of my time. Tonight I took the night off of crafting to watch a movie and hang out with the family. I hope you find your happy medium in between all you try to juggle. And also, take care of yourself :) :) :)

Handmade Creations by Stephanie said...

Kelly, You are not at all the only one who thinks this and you should feel good that you can talk about. I think we all struggle to balance everything I know I do and if you blog everyday or once a week we will still come back!! This is a place where it's your call to do with it what you want and have fun with it and not stress. Hugs to you and I will always come back to see what you are up to!!!!!

Jeanne said...

Kelley, I really think you've hit the nail on the head about what a lot of women deal with on a day to day basis. It's just that not all of them will admit to struggling with balancing it all. I struggled with this (and still do) much like you are. What I think is great is that you are examining what is truly important to you and resetting your goals to better meet those things. I applaud you for that! You are in a season of life where you want to do it all, but the time to get it done is precious.

Have you considered working out some sort of schedule to work on housework, play with Carver, work on a project, spend time with hubby, etc? One thing in my quest to organize I've heard and read time and time again is to schedule routines, spend 15 minutes on one thing. Use a timer if it will help keep you on track. It's amazing what you can do in a short amount of time. You might also try looking into Flylady (www.flylady.net) If you sign up to get emails, check to be sure you get one long email a day rather than individual ones. Or check out her book called Sink Reflections.

You can do it all, Sweetie...just not all at the same time. Best of luck to you in your quest to find a workable balance for yourself! You CAN do it!

Hugs!

Winter said...

Yes we have all felt this way, but not all do something about it! But when you are determined, you do it! That's why I love you so much! :) Through the "card drive" & these "taxes" & the kids sports, I have learned that I don't have to do every challenge or every submission, or comment or post everyday....I can't! It is a wonderful feeling when you finally accept that you are not "Superwomen" and you can't do it all...and it's Ok! :) I realized the other day that I am literaly getting out of shape because I sit at this dang computer Way to long! I need to get up and move like I use to....I never use to sit down! So I have started trying to excersise and most nights I never even turn my computer on, I just spend time with the family! It is a great feeling to not even care about anything else but them! :) Also about Michael getting a taste of his own medicine....I so understand that! Chance has found Facebook and now he is on it All the time! Now he understands how easy it is to get distracted and I understand that it takes time away from other people! So keep doing what your doing, God will lead you where you need to be! Ok my post is WAY to long, so I love you! :)

Laura said...

Kelley, it sounds like you have been doing a lot of soul-searching and thinking about where your time and attention needs to go. If only we had some extra hours in the day! I feel I could have written part of this post myself. The only time I have to craft is once my daughter goes to sleep, but that's also the only time slot of the day to spend with my husband. And it's not a very big time slot to begin with! Last night I wanted to make a card, but realized I needed time with my husband more, so we relaxed with a TV show together.

Christina Smith said...

Kelley, thank you so much for sharing your heart! I really appreciate it! I, too, have come to that place where I don't want the computer, my blog, cyberspace, etc. to rule my life. That's one of the reasons I have never dipped into having a Facebook account. I am proud of you for recognizing all of this and for taking a stand! I wish more women would see this and do the same. I do miss your comments, but I completely understand!! Thank you so much for being my friend and for being YOU! I think about you so much and I'm praying for you my dear friend! Thank you for being so strong and courageous! Keep your eyes on the Lord! Love you!

~kelly marie~ said...

You have this amazing way of communicating your feelings. It just comes straight from your heart. It's really quite beautiful. I have felt all of these things, but in a different way. It is so hard to balance, and for me I have trouble ever figuring out how to bring children in my life. I just can't see it. I know one day I will, but the balancing act is hard. Love and hugs to you my sweet friend :).

Catherine said...

Kelley your life is so important and I understand and respect what you want for you and your family because I want it too. I too have felt that I spend too much time on the computer and would like to get more balance in my life so I can achieve more of what I want to. Last night I sat down and started a timetable for myself, maybe a bit too organized looking but I want to try and work out how I am spending my time and be more strict with the way I spend it. I'm hoping to try and change but when you have been doing something for a long time, well it will take time for me to change but I really want to with some help from my family.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us and know that I understand how you are feeling. Take care of you and your family and enjoy the changes you are making for yourself and them. I look forward to catching up with you whenever you visit. xo

Brandi said...

Kelley,
Wow! This is the first time I am visiting your blog and I already feel like I can relate due to your post! Good for you for making changes to improve yourself. It doesn't hurt to look out for yourself and family, so don't feel guilty about that. I am a new follower and don't mind at all if you post once a day or once a week in the future. Just do what makes you happy! Life's short!
Brandi

Janelle said...

Kelley, Kelley, Kelley. Sounds like you are going through what every woman goes through -- most just don't admit it or analyze it so thoroughly. I think it's always refreshing to hear someone confess their struggles and admit their imperfections. Balance is so difficult. I'm proud of you for taking a good hard look at your life and at what you want from it and who you want to be. Sounds like God is doing a work in you! Looking forward to seeing where He takes you. Love you, girl! (And, I'm giving myself permission to not comment on your other posts that I just read -- but, cute pics of the little man, and I especially like that white card with the bold black lines around that trio of, hmmm, what were they? Stickers?)

Kerry said...

Kelley, as a woman and a mom I can totally relate to how you are feeling and I am sure that many other women do too. Sometimes I think we feel that we have to do it all and do it all perfectly while making sure everyone else is happy too! I know that I myself need to have more forgiveness for myself when I have a bad day or don't feel as if I have accomplished enough for the day or feel that I haven't spent enough of my time with my boys or my hubby. I wish you all the best as you work on finding a better balance for yourself and your family and hope you will begin to feel less of a need to apologize or explain yourself when the choices you are making are what is best for you.

bluecottonmemory said...

You have handled the challenges of this last year so gracefully! I can imagine the need to adjust your goals and priorities - and wanting to savor your son because in a blink of an eye, he will be all grown up. Believe me - I blinked and then my oldest got married.

You are such an open-hearted person - and I so enjoy that about your posts and your cards. - however, you should NEVER apologize for making changes you deem necessary to your heart! However, I would be sad if you stopped blogging - because you are such a very nice friend in the blogahood!

There's a time and a season for cleaning, hugging your children, and posting! Just enjoy!

The Quiles Family said...

Kelley, I love you! I have always loved how honest you are about things. You don't hide things (like me) and you wear your heart on your sleeve! I think it is amazing that you are wanting to spend more time with your family! It is hard sometimes to find that balance of getting in "me" time where you get to do whatever it is YOU want to do because you are with that precious boy of yours all day and then Michael comes home...then you are torn, do I spend time with him or do I take some of that "me" time? I struggle with that right now actaully...I have been working around 45 to 50 hours a week since March and Juan has not been working so he is home all day and then when I get home he wants to spend time with me because he's been by himself all day, but I want to just chill by myself for a little bit because working with the public I am usually in "people contact overload." LOL. Anyway, you are not alone and I want you to know how much I appreciate you putting yourself out there and letting us all know how you feel! I could really learn something from you in that area! Love you!

Alice Wertz said...

so glad you are finding a middle ground that you are feeling comfortable with, Kelley! hope you can enjoy your life more and make awesome cards for us to see! =)