Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Feeling Guilty

I love this boy! This picture was taken at Alex's ballgame the other night. Carver's Papa bought him a ring pop. As you can see, Carver thoroughly enjoyed it.

I haven't felt real well today. Carver went to school and I managed to do a half decent job of cleaning the house while he was gone. I haven't felt horrible... just tired and a little upset stomach. I haven't even been in one of those crabby moods but I lost my temper tonight with this sweet boy. I hate so much when I do that! I pray and pray to be a good mommy and that I won't lose my cool with him. I didn't spank him when I lost my cool, I yelled at him.

Carver likes to play with his food. Tonight, I gave him his favorite treat of applesauce at dinner. Carver ate a lot of it, but by the time I realized what he was doing, he had taken some of it and spread it all over the table. Ok... not such a big deal. What caught my attention was him dipping his spoon in his bowl and slinging it all over the kitchen floor. I immediately lost it. I deal with this every day and I have since he was old enough to feed himself. This is about the only thing that really causes me to lose it. I feel like I am constantly on my hands and knees trying to clean the floor. I can't seem to make him understand that this is not acceptable.

I cleaned the floor and then gave him a bath. By the time bath time was over, I had cooled down. I had to ask Carver to forgive me and told him that I was sorry for yelling at him. I told him that I was wrong to yell at him. Of course, he forgave me. I hate losing my cool with him. I see, almost everyday, a family who is dealing with the reality of having a really sick child or who faces the challenges of having a special needs child. I feel so silly, in times like these, for losing my cool over applesauce on the floor. I am so thankful for my son and that he is happy and healthy. One day I will wish he was here throwing food on my floor. I know he will grow up so quickly.

He is a blessing from God that I so don't deserve.

I am so thankful for my God and my son who are so willing to forgive me when I have let them down!
Posted by Picasa


Margaret said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Children learn how to push our buttons and usually do so regularly. Everybody hates having to do the same thing over and over again. But you are right about him growing up quickly and then you even miss these things that drive you crazy. Keep your cool....keep trying.... after all, it is your job to teach him acceptable behavior and sometimes he will force you to make it uncomfortable for him so that he will learn. Love ya.

Kelley Eubanks said...

Thank you!! I love you too! :-)