Hey my dear friends, family, and church family! I wanted to share an update with you of our day as I know many of you want to know. First... let me say that I could never express in words the humbled gratitude that I feel right now to all of you for your prayers and comments/emails. Michael and I were talking on the way home tonight about the overwhelming joy that we felt today from so many texts, emails, phone calls from our family, church family and friends. It made the overwhelming despair/grief/worry a little more bearable. So... I will never be able to email each of you individually to express how grateful I am for you but please know that I am. I am so thankful for your prayers and I beg of you to keep it up!
I am in a weird place right now as I type this. I am trying to just make sense of this all and how our lives have changed forever in 24 hours. I am calm at the moment... due to prayers and to some Xanax the doctor gave me today! :) I first have to say that I know all of you reading this don't believe in God and maybe this is an opportunity for me to reach out to you and somehow through this heartache in my own life... I can show you that God is real and that he loves you. I don't believe this is happening to me because God is making this happen to me. I don't believe that this is God's perfect plan for my life. I believe that God knows when you are going to die and how because he is all knowing. But... I don't believe that he chooses that time. I believe that God gave us free will and when sin entered the world.... all of these diseases, etc are a result of that. I don't believe that God would make a baby to be born with deformities or diseases. God doesn't make anything that isn't perfect. I believe that being human and sinners has done that. We have done so many things to our bodies and after all these years of sin... these things have come about. I believe that God performs miracles but I also think that since he gave us free will that he won't step into every situation and perform one. I think sometimes the negative outcome can have a greater impact for his Kingdom and that is what this life is really all about. It is/should be about God... this life is only temporary!
Now... saying all of that... I am scared... I am so scared! I pray that God is going to take care of me and that I will be around a long time for my little boy and for my husband! I am human... I can't help but be terrified. I am really trying hard not to be but being a worrier anyway.... it is just really hard! I want to think positive and I want to believe that this will all be okay. I just know that even if this inital battle turns out okay... I am going to have a constant battle for the rest of my life... trying not to worry if this is going to come back.
So... let me quit rambling and tell you the details!
So... the oncologist did his own examination today and talked to us for a long time. I had some tests run today and am having a CT scan bright and early tomorrow. I should know the results of everything tomorrow afternoon at the latest. What he is looking for with these tests is to see any signs of cancer anywhere else in my body. He doesn't feel like that is going to be what they find but.. as I found out today... nothing is for certain... anymore...! I will have a radical hysterectomy on Monday the 30th. They have to do an old fashioned total slicing type hysterectomy with this kind of cancer to make sure they can get to all of the places that they need to get to. So... that means longer recovery time. I will be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days and then he said it would be about a 6 week recovery. I won't actually know for sure if they think it has spread until after everything is removed and they run tests on it. That will determine what my chances are of remaining cancer free. There is a chance that after they get in there and do the procedure that I may have to have chemo or radiation. They are hoping that I will only require surgery but if they think that it is at all present anywhere else.. I will have to have other treatments.
You know.. when I focus on the positive I feel like it is all going to be okay. My doctor had an instinct to do the biopsy in the first place because we found out today that my pap was only slighty abnormal and some docs would have just said come back in 6 months. Everything we have heard about the oncologist is just wonderful. They had a cancellation today so we were able to get in today and get more answers and a plan going. They staff that ran all of the tests for us today stayed an hour or more longer so they could do a favor for our doctor. Since some of the tests were today... we should know all of the results tomorrow instead of waiting until right before I go into surgery to find them out. The nurse practitioner said several times today that someone ... meaning God... wanted us here today and not having to wait to see them until next week. So... when I think of all of that... I am positive!
When I look at my little boys face... I lose it! My heart just breaks thinking of him having to go through life calling for me and me not being there for him. I know I should not focus on that ... I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it. I am his mommy and he means the world to me! I need to be here for him so please please please.... keep praying! Keep praying for peace... pray for the doctors/nurses who are treating me... pray for healing of my body! I am upset beyond words to know that I will never have another child of my own but I am so thankful that God blessed us with Carver. The only option today for me and Michael was to get it all out... it is more important for us to try and make sure the one child that we have... gets to keep his mommy around!
Thank you again for all of your prayers, thoughts, and concerns! I love you all and thank you for loving me and my family!