I know God's timing is perfect BUT... there shouldn't be a BUT!
I was worried, before I got pregnant with Carver, that I wasn't going to be able to have children. It wasn't as easy for me as it was for a lot of people. I knew then that God's timing is perfect but it was still hard for me to believe I would have a child. I guess I didn't know how God could give me such a blessing when I didn't deserve one. I just knew that this was going to be my 'punishment' for all of the things I had done wrong in my life.
Then I was blessed with this beautiful little boy!
Now I have been worried about having a second child. I want another baby and I want Carver to have a sibling. Michael and I tried for a while when Carver was about a year old and we didn't have much luck. TMI alert.... I had to take some medicine to help get pregnant with Carver and I was taking it again, way longer than it took me to get pregnant the first time, but didn't get pregnant. So... we decided to give it a rest for a while and just enjoy the blessing we had been given.
Well... today it hit me again that I shouldn't be worrying about this anymore (because I always do)! God's timing was perfect the first time and it will be again or it won't be and that will be fine too! I have had to admit to myself these past few weeks that I really couldn't handle a second child right now. To me that meant admitting that I wasn't the 'perfect mom'... the one who does it all and with a smile on her face. The mother who gets up at 5am to get ready, cook her family breakfast, spend all day with her children, keep her house spotless, cook dinner for the family, and still be in a good mood by bedtime! :-) Now some days I feel like I can do this... others... not so much! I love being a SAHM more than anything I have ever done in my life. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else! I love being able to spend all day with my son.
However.... these days... my son has been more difficult than he has ever been!! Carver talks back (already) and says "stop it" all day long. Carver throws fits in stores and doesn't listen to a word I say! We spank, we do time out, and nothing is working well for me lately. I think I haven't been consistent enough because I just feel guilty. I feel like I am getting on to him non-stop and I don't like getting on to him all day long. I read blogs or see news stories of all these mothers who have lost children or who have sick children. I just feel so grateful for having a healthy son and guilty for wanting to send him to stay with someone else for a while. :-) I think about if something were to happen to him, how I would be sooooo upset with myself for getting on to him so much.
Tomorrow is going to be a different day! I am going to get back to being more consistent and getting rid of this new attitude of his! I have a responsibility as his mother, to teach him right from wrong and to teach him how to be respectful to his parents and others. I am going to go back to the focused mother I once was and get my son back! I am going to stop worrying about what could happen and focus on what is going on right now!
I am also going to quit worrying about a second child because... I can't handle another child right now! My son is needing all of my love and attention and there isn't enough to go around!
If you have read this... Thank you for listening! :-) I just needed to talk about it!
8 comments:
Kelley, thank you so much for sharing this! It touched my heart...truly did. Maybe I'll try finding your email address and email you.
Kelley, I don't know if there is a single mom in the world that hasn't felt inadequate for the job! We hope, we agonize, we wait, we expect... so much goes into just simply getting these little ones into our lives and then we feel guilty for not being enough. We find ourselves reading Proverbs 31 and wondering how on earth we are now going to live up to all that pressure! I'm supposed to be worth more than rubies, bring food from afar, and clothe my family in scarlet?
Truthfully, I think we all should strive to attain these things with the wisdom of knowing that we cannot possibly achieve it all! My philosophy with my kids is to keep it real, love them openly, and treat them with respect. If somehow the house manages to stay clean and everyone is fed a perfectly balanced meal every night... well, I do have my limitations! You shouldn't feel guilty at ALL for wanting a little break! My kids are with me literally 24/7. I have to admit when I had to sit with Jack in the hospital the other day that I enjoyed the peace and quiet and no one asking for a cup of water!
God's timing is perfect and I hope and pray that HE will bring another special little one into your lives. May He bless you with peace during this time and may you rest in Him.
Blessings!
Tina
Hey Kelley! There is no "perfect mom", we all get frustrated and wonder, "do other mom's have to get onto their kid's all day"? I have been a mom for 11 yrs. now and when my kids were little, they had alot of spankins' and time outs! :) But, hang in there, it does get better, not alot of spankins' anymore! We respect them and they respect us, it seems to work better that way! Keep remembering, God is always on time! :)
If it makes you feel any better, your tweenager nephew is about to put me and Mike into the nut farm! Poor us.... This is our second and final walk through the teenage years. It doesn't get any easier, however, we do have a little bit of a blueprint from our last experience, so maybe this go around will be a bit easier. It has caused me to pray a lot more, so that is a good thing! Dealing with Alex's selfish attitude, disrespect and rebellion against our authority and rules makes me appreciate what God goes through with me on a daily basis. I have noticed that many times the very thing that God is having trouble with me most is the very thing that my son will trouble me with. It is God's way of teaching me a lesson. When I go to God and say "Why won't he listen to me!" God will say "Why won't YOU listen to ME!" Ouch.
Wow! I can relate. I sometimes feel like I am on my kids all the time and by bathtime at night, momma needs a timeout! LOL
Hang in there--you're right tho--God does have perfect timing.
I remember following my fourth son around, picking up cheerios after him say, "O.K God! I get it. No more children." I was pregnant then and didn't know it. I've lived through infertility (amazing, now that we have 5). It's heart wrenching. However, keep in mind, being tough means you care. Too many young men in school today (and little boys) don't have moms that care enough to put their foot down or take the tough line. Yes, you're crying inside, but you can't show that to him. Right now, you are making the greatest sacrifice in terms of cuddles and softness, to mold him into the man God designed him to be. Real parenting takes a real woman of strength and courage--with God holding you up the entire time!
You know what......we moms put way too much pressure on ourselves.....if anyone says they can handle it all and it's all peachy.......they are LIARS!!!!!! It's tough and usually at the end of the day I always think why did I do that and why wasn't I more patient! God knows our heart and He knows when we're giving it our best and I think that's what counts! And that'll count with our kids.....even when we make mistakes.....hard work in the end counts and makes a difference. Having children really tests us every day and I have a good cry at least once a week not becaues I'm sad or mad but to just let it all out!!
The worst thing is to keep it all inside........thanks for sharing!
Kelley, I've just been looking through your blog. You have some great and inspiring cards! This post, though, tugs at my heart. As a preschool director (in a church), I hear this A LOT -- and, even though my own kids are now 23 & 25, I remember those days! (And, actually, frustrating as they were at times, those were "the good old days.") In skimming through the other comments, it looks like you've been given lots of love and support. I just wanted to add mine to it. There is nothing like children to keep you humble and on your knees before the Lord! (If you're a reader, you might want to check out John Rosemond's books. Practical, no nonsense advice.) I don't know you, but I'm sending you hugs. Oh -- and treasure those pics you took of your little guy with the big guys (your husband and his cousin) at the camp. Looks like your son has some great examples to follow. (Love the one from behind on the dock!) Sorry this is so long...
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