I know God's timing is perfect BUT... there shouldn't be a BUT!
I was worried, before I got pregnant with Carver, that I wasn't going to be able to have children. It wasn't as easy for me as it was for a lot of people. I knew then that God's timing is perfect but it was still hard for me to believe I would have a child. I guess I didn't know how God could give me such a blessing when I didn't deserve one. I just knew that this was going to be my 'punishment' for all of the things I had done wrong in my life.
Then I was blessed with this beautiful little boy!
Now I have been worried about having a second child. I want another baby and I want Carver to have a sibling. Michael and I tried for a while when Carver was about a year old and we didn't have much luck. TMI alert.... I had to take some medicine to help get pregnant with Carver and I was taking it again, way longer than it took me to get pregnant the first time, but didn't get pregnant. So... we decided to give it a rest for a while and just enjoy the blessing we had been given.
Well... today it hit me again that I shouldn't be worrying about this anymore (because I always do)! God's timing was perfect the first time and it will be again or it won't be and that will be fine too! I have had to admit to myself these past few weeks that I really couldn't handle a second child right now. To me that meant admitting that I wasn't the 'perfect mom'... the one who does it all and with a smile on her face. The mother who gets up at 5am to get ready, cook her family breakfast, spend all day with her children, keep her house spotless, cook dinner for the family, and still be in a good mood by bedtime! :-) Now some days I feel like I can do this... others... not so much! I love being a SAHM more than anything I have ever done in my life. I wouldn't want to be doing anything else! I love being able to spend all day with my son.
However.... these days... my son has been more difficult than he has ever been!! Carver talks back (already) and says "stop it" all day long. Carver throws fits in stores and doesn't listen to a word I say! We spank, we do time out, and nothing is working well for me lately. I think I haven't been consistent enough because I just feel guilty. I feel like I am getting on to him non-stop and I don't like getting on to him all day long. I read blogs or see news stories of all these mothers who have lost children or who have sick children. I just feel so grateful for having a healthy son and guilty for wanting to send him to stay with someone else for a while. :-) I think about if something were to happen to him, how I would be sooooo upset with myself for getting on to him so much.
Tomorrow is going to be a different day! I am going to get back to being more consistent and getting rid of this new attitude of his! I have a responsibility as his mother, to teach him right from wrong and to teach him how to be respectful to his parents and others. I am going to go back to the focused mother I once was and get my son back! I am going to stop worrying about what could happen and focus on what is going on right now!
I am also going to quit worrying about a second child because... I can't handle another child right now! My son is needing all of my love and attention and there isn't enough to go around!
If you have read this... Thank you for listening! :-) I just needed to talk about it!